We’ve all had experiences with worrying about the people we love. Maybe they’re drinking too much too often, maybe they’re involved in an unhealthy relationship, maybe they’re neglecting their health…the list goes on and on. I’m sure we’ve all also had the experience of trying to express our worry to someone, only to end up hurting the relationship, and possibly even watching the person get deeper into the behavior or relationship that worries us. Asking for advice on how to handle these situations is a common reason people seek therapy, so here are some ideas that may be helpful.
Before I dive into specific strategies, let’s talk for a moment about the basic psychology behind behavior change. At our most fundamental level, we are all animals, and animals like the comfort of familiarity. If given the choice between engaging in new and uncomfortable behaviors to meet our needs versus engaging in familiar behaviors, more often than not, most animals, including humans, are going to stay with the familiar, even if it is not the most healthy or effective way to meet a need. And because we are wired to maintain our current states, we will automatically resist any external pressure to change, which is why we often dig our heels in when someone tries to tell us we need to change.
Given that information, here are a few ideas for expressing concern and supporting family and friends when they are doing things that worry us:
1. Wait for them to bring it up. As hard as it is to sit back and wait for your loved one to tell you they’re a little worried they might be drinking too much, or they think their boyfriend might be controlling, your patience will allow the conversation to begin naturally and in a way that leaves the other person feeling in control. If you are the one who brings it up, the other person may feel blindsided, which could put them in a defensive stance to begin with, and then when you start talking about something that they may know is a problem but are not yet ready to admit, they will likely get even more defensive and may shut down completely. (Note: If your loved one is causing serious harm to themselves and/or the people around them, you may need to intervene without waiting for them to come to you.)
2. Listen. After they have brought it up, your first instinct will likely be to tell them everything you’ve been thinking about and how big of a problem it is for them. All this will do is completely overwhelm them and could shut them down. Instead, just sit back and listen—really listen—to what they have to say about it (you will have a chance to express yourself eventually, but timing is everything here).
3. Try to understand the WHY behind the behavior. Instead of looking at it through the lens of “there’s something wrong with them,” try to figure out what need the behavior is meeting for them. For example, someone who is drinking heavily might be using drinking as a way to manage anxiety and/or to escape painful feelings, whereas someone in an unhealthy relationship might be staying in the relationship because it gives them a sense of security and/or acceptance. Understanding the why of a behavior can give you some compassion for their experience, and it can also give you information about what they are actually needing.
4. Validate feelings and experiences. Validating someone’s feelings and experiences does not mean you agree with what they are doing. Read that again because this can be a tough one. Sometimes people think that by validating the experience they are condoning the behavior, but this is not the case. Saying something like, “From what you’re telling me, it makes a lot of sense that you’re worried about your drinking because you’ve had several nights you don’t remember...I bet that’s really scary” helps the person feel heard and understood, and in no way sends the message that you think their drinking is okay. Validation can also help the person identify and gain clarity on some of the reasons they want to stop the behavior and can cause them to start making arguments for why they should change.
5. Express your own feelings. Once you have listened and validated, it can be appropriate to share your thoughts and feelings. It can be helpful to keep this brief, however, so you don’t distract from the momentum they’ve started building in thinking and talking about making changes. Stick to your own feelings and specific experiences instead of making generalizations and/or value judgments (i.e., “I felt sad and worried about you when you told me your boyfriend wouldn’t let you hang out with your friends” vs “He’s such a controlling jerk and you shouldn’t put up with that”). It’s important to let them know through your words and behavior that you’re coming at it from a place of love and not from a place of manipulation or judgment.
6. Ask about what they need. People have different needs depending on their specific situations and how ready they are to make changes. Sometimes it can be the first time they’ve actually expressed their concerns out loud, and they might need you to just listen and help them sort out their thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they’ve been thinking about it for a while and they might be ready to start making plans and taking steps. It’s usually a good idea to just ask them what they need from you, and then do your best to give them what they need. If you immediately start Googling rehab programs, for example, and this is the first time they’ve ever even acknowledged they might have a problem, they will likely feel overwhelmed and could shut down.
7. Let them know how you’re willing/able to give support. Many times these conversations are a starting point for actual change, and many times they may not lead to any change. Ending the conversation with an offer for continued support is a way to keep the door open and let them know how you can support them (i.e., “Call me if you want to talk about this more”, “I’m happy to help you find a therapist/support group/treatment program if that’s something you want to do”, “I can watch your kids if you need a break”, etc.). It’s also important to let them know you know how hard change can be and you will love them regardless of how they proceed. (Note: In some cases, to protect yourself and to stop enabling destructive behaviors, you may have to distance yourself, but even in these cases it is important to give the message that you still love them and will be available to help them stop the destructive behaviors if/when they choose to stop.)
I hope this is helpful. Please feel free to leave comments about other ideas you may have for having these hard conversations, and/or questions about what to say or how to approach specific issues.
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